Posts tagged life
Posts tagged life
My new set of rules for living post cancer…
A late night post about the morbid thoughts of life and death from a cancer patient.
Remember the “spot” I told you about that the radiation oncologist has been watching closely? Well today he told me he’s pretty convinced that it is a reoccurring cancer tumor because of how it’s behaving…apparently, not well.
So when I’m finished with my external beam radiation treatments I will then have a series of three surgical radiation implant procedures. Don’t ask me what that one’s called. I asked, but I can’t remember.
I can’t believe this is my life now. Don’t get me wrong; I’m very glad to be living it, but I could really go for a miracle right now.
Speaking of: I have been thinking a lot lately about all of the people who pray for me on a regular basis now. There’s my sister, my aunt and her entire church, multiple friends and coworkers and complete strangers. I even got a card from a parishioner at my aunt’s church. I’ve never met this woman, but she cared enough to send me a card with her number in case I needed someone to talk to. Isn’t that the nicest thing ever?
I just want you all to know how much I appreciate and cherish the thoughts and prayers; regardless of religion. God is God, no matter what form.
I also want to say thank you to all of the caregivers who’ve made this more bearable for me. I’ve been poked and prodded and stuck and felt up more
than I care to think about since this all started last September and if it weren’t for these people (for everyone!) I couldn’t have made it this far. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I appreciate the strength these people give to me.
I ran into one of the nurses who took care of me in the hospital after my surgery back in November. She remembered me…she remembered my room number. Six months later. Amazing. If I could have kids I’d name one after her.
I love you all…you know who you are.
I keep trying to post something here about something other than cancer. Something other than the CT Scans and the doctor appointments, the treatments, exams and my pitifully fatigued state of existence. I always come back to it though. I guess this is just my life right now…ironic, huh? The thing threatening my life is consuming my life. Whatever. It is what it is, right?
Did I mention the small pelvic mass in my latest scan? I discussed it with my radiation oncologist and my surgeon and they both did pelvic exams and both noticed a small hard spot during their exams that they think might be that spot in the scan. They also both think it could be just scar tissue or even (sorry for the detail) stool. They’re going to shoot some extra intense radiation toward that spot during my treatments just in case and if it changes in size or shape in the next scan then they’ll start discussing what my next options are, be they surgery or what not. I don’t know what else those options may be. All I know is that this is what my surgeon said: “I’m not going to lie, it concerns me a little.” And when someone treating me for cancer tells me they’re “little” concerned I become a lot concerned. I’m downright freaked out if you really want to know the truth. Oh, well. I know there’s really no sense in worrying about it if I can’t do anything about it. I am working on coming to terms with the possibilities and trying to maintain a level of hope and positivity surrounding the whole situation.
In related news; I have a small amount of stubble on my eyebrows and head so I think my hair may start growing back soon. I hope it doesn’t grow back thin and fragile, I just want to be able to run my hands through some thick hair again and feel it blowing in the wind. I miss my hair. If only I didn’t have to start shaving my legs again too. :)
I had my chemo port removed yesterday. I feel like something’s been ripped out of my chest, but I have mixed feelings about it being gone. On one hand, I hated the thing because it was awkward and was a terrible reminder of the reason it was there. On the other hand, I will miss it because it was essentially there to help save my life. The doctor who removed it told me that sometimes they sterilize the ports they remove and then use them in dogs. I jokingly asked him if he moonlighted as a vet and he told me that he does sometimes help out a little at Alameda East. That’s the animal hospital on Animal Planet’s show about emergency vets. He and the rest of the medical staff that removed my port were all amazing; they made the whole procedure kind of fun and it could’ve been so much worse.
I’m trying to think of other new things in my life to talk about, but there’s nothing much going on these days. I am hoping to go see The Avengers this weekend. I’m still working between 30-37 hours a week and waiting for the day I’ll have the energy to make it to 40. I’m loving the Colorado weather this spring; it’s been unseasonably warm so I’m also happy that the car my friends got me has AC.
I promise to try and think of new things to talk about next time. Have fun!!
I noticed that my shins were sore from the sneakers I wore today so i decided to stretch them out. I got down on the floor and stretched my back and legs for about 5-10 minutes and feel like I just worked out for an hour. It seriously took me about 5 minutes to catch my breath and now my left kidney is screaming at me.
It’s amazing how you have to tear yourself apart with chemo to get better again. I can’t wait until I can start exercising and getting healthy again. It’s definitely something to look forward to in life after cancer.
Some days, like today, life overwhelms me and I become deeply saddened by how hard everything seems to be lately. Then I remind myself that it could always be worse…much worse.
When that happens, part of me tells the optimist in me to go fuck off. Another part of me gets tired and just goes to sleep.